


Release Me

by romanticalgirl



Series: Sexual Healing [3]
Category: Dawson's Creek
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-02-14
Packaged: 2018-01-12 07:15:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1183413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 11/9/00</p>
    </blockquote>





	Release Me

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 11/9/00

It’s been a month and it hasn’t gotten any easier. Not that I really figured it would. I mean, I see him every day. And that’s not exactly conducive to getting over him. Seeing him and hearing him and, from time to time, touching him makes it so much harder to get over him.

But I’m trying to do it. I’m trying to get past what was and just be happy with what is. I mean, we’re managing to be friends. We do stuff together like study and just hang out. And we go out with Jack and Jen every once in a while, when we want to do the group thing. Dawson’s been off in his own little world, so we don’t see him that much.

It’s funny. I thought that after it ended, I’d go to Dawson and spill the whole story…or at least most of it, but instead I just went on. I talked to Jen a bit, mostly about the sex issue, but some about the emotional stuff, but I never felt the need or the urge to talk to Dawson.

I just didn’t figure he’d understand.

It’s funny. It took Pacey breaking up with me because he thought I wasn’t over Dawson for me to realize that I am over Dawson. Dramatic irony. I hate it.

But Pacey and I…we’re friends, and we’ve almost managed to work our way back to where it’s not uncomfortable to be that way. I mean, for a while, we were just pretending to be friends, playing a game. Now it’s almost real. When he says things or does things, when he teases me, I know it’s just natural. It’s not forced or faked. It’s real.

Which just makes me miss him even more.

 

~**~  
Jen sat down at the table next to Pacey and placed her hand over the page he was reading. “Do you know your lips move when you read?”

“My lips move when I do a lot of things,” Pacey informed her. “Most of ‘em nasty.”

“That’s what I hear.” She removed her hand and grabbed the apple off his lunch tray. “I thought today was a study day.”

“It is. Joey’s talking with the college advisor. She’ll be here in a bit.” Pacey grabbed the apple back out of her hand and took a bite out of it. “My lunch.”

“Neanderthal.”

“You steal it off my plate and call me names.” Pacey nodded. “I see the justice in that.” He slipped a sheet of paper into his book to mark his place and looked over at Jen. “So what are you up to?”

“Well, I’m supposed to go with Joey to the clinic this afternoon for her exam.”

“What exam?” The question was quiet and off-hand, said almost as if he didn’t care. Almost.

“Well, back in the day when you and Joey were dating, she went to the clinic and set up an appointment for an exam. When you split up, she canceled it, figuring she didn’t need to go.”

“And what changed her mind? Or should I say who?”

“I did.” Jen took his apple and bit off a healthy chunk. “Regardless of whether or not Joey’s doing the horizontal tango, she should be healthy and prepared, especially with her mother dying of cancer. I can’t believe she’s never gone in for a pelvic exam. So I’m making her go. Only now I can’t go with her.”

“Oh.” He handed her the apple and grabbed his soda. “So…”

“So she’s not going so that she can have sex.” Jen finished for him. “And for someone who broke up with her over a month ago, you sure are jealous.”

“I’m not jealous. I’m…concerned.”

“You’re jealous.” Jack informed him as he sat across from them both.

“There’s nothing to be jealous about,” Pacey reminded them both. “Especially since, as Jen said, the reason she’s going has nothing to do with sex.”

“You do realize that she’s going to have sex eventually, right, Pacey?”

“Sure,” he nodded and shrugged all at once. “I figure when she gets married, it’ll be the natural thing to do.”

“You are so full of shit, Pacey.”

“Yeah. That’s one of my more attractive qualities.” He grinned at Jen as Joey joined them, sitting next to Jack. “Don’t you think, Jo?”

“You have attractive qualities?” She wrinkled her brow. “How did they all manage to allude me?”

“And I thought I could only be insulted like this at home.” Pacey grabbed the sheet he’d used to hold his place in the book and handed it to Joey. “What do you think, teach?”

“I think you’re immature, childish, desperate for attention…oh, you mean the paper.” She gave him a grin that was half smirk and looked over his work. “Did Jen help you?”

“I plagiarized all by myself, actually.”

She smiled in earnest and handed it back to him. “It’s good.”

“It’s good in a ‘please just strike him with lightning now and put us all out of our misery’ type of way or in a ‘my God, Pacey actually did something right’ type of way?”

“Let’s just say that it would be worthy of the type of reward you used to get for doing well in school.”

Pacey’s eyebrows shot up and he gave Joey a knowing look. “You offerin’, Potter?”

“As if you’d accept.”

“Uh…as much as I hate to interrupt this before you end up making out in my mystery meat,” Jen gave them both a telling glance, “I’m going to have to bail on you this afternoon, Jo.”

“What?”

“I promised Grams that I’d help her with a project she’s working on and I totally forgot that it was tonight.”

“But…”

“You can go alone. You went alone the first time.”

“But…”

“I’ll take you if you want.”

Joey looked from Jen to Pacey who wasn’t looking at her. “You would?”

“Sure. It’s important. Your health is important. So, if you need a lift, I’m your guy.” He grabbed his book and his lunch tray and stood up. “Just let me know.”

Joey watched him walk off before turning to Jen and Jack, questions in her eyes. “Is he getting weirder?”

“Undoubtedly,” Jack agreed. “But I don’t think that’s what’s wrong with him.”

“Then what is?”

“You’ll figure it out. Eventually.”

~**~  
I don’t know what I’m doing. I should be running like hell for the safety of the hills, but instead I’m miring myself deeper and deeper into her life. I’m being her “friend” and in the process, I keep falling in love with her. More in love with her.

I didn’t think I could love her more, but as we start to relax around each other, I see all these things that made me fall in the first place. And, even with all the fears and trepidations I have, I see that she’s doing all of this on her own. She making her way through the aftermath of our relationship without the help of the person she’s always gone to.

Maybe she didn’t lie, not even to herself. Maybe it wasn’t about Dawson. Maybe it was just about fear and insecurity and uncertainty. Maybe Dawson was just the easiest way to summarize those fears. Maybe.

But then again, maybe not.

Either way, I’m going to take her to this clinic and it’s just going to make me miss her even more. Because it’s going to be us in a place we were just in a little while ago only under completely different circumstances. Don’t get me wrong, the last month has been a veritable orgy of Joey fantasies, but in them, it’s been about revenge and anger and hurt and assuaging my ego. This…this is going to be about her being vulnerable, being open, being honest.

Being the Joey I’ve wanted to make love to since the first day on the boat. Being my Joey.

~**~  
Pacey got up from his chair, tossing the magazine on the waiting room table before storming over to the partially open door. He shoved it open completely and grabbed Joey’s hand, pulling her to her feet. “Come on. You’ve heard enough.”

“Pacey, what are you doing?”

“Just come on.”

“Pacey…”

He turned his blue eyes toward her and held her gaze. “Please, Jo?”

She nodded, no longer questioning. She didn’t even give the clinic worker another glance as she followed him out to his car. She sat quietly as he drove her toward the edge of town, stopping in front of a small office building. “What are we doing here, Pacey?”

He didn’t answer, merely walked around to her side of the car and opened her door, taking hold of her hand. “You’ll see.”

“You know, as much as I appreciate being manhandled and brought somewhere…”

“I’m not manhandling you.” He released her hand as they entered the building, leaving her near the door as he walked up to the receptionist. “Hi.”

“Hello. How can I help you.”

“I’m Pacey Witter. And this is Joey Potter.” He gestured behind him. “We’d like to see one of your counselors, if we could.”

“We have an opening in fifteen minutes. Have you been here before?”

“I have, but it’s been over a year.”

“All right.” She handed him two clipboards. “Just fill out this information and bring it back when you’re done.”

“Thank you.” He walked over to a group of chairs and sat down, patting the seat next to him. “C’mon, Potter. Fill this out.”

“What is it?”

“Just…Jesus, Jo, just do it, would you?”

She gave him a dirty look, pulling the clipboard from his hand. She glanced down at it, giving the questions a once over before looking back at Pacey. “These are kind of personal.”

“That’s why they do it in private.” He pointed at her paper. “Write.”

“Pacey…”

“Joey, its medical history.” He showed her his answers. “Yes, there are some sexual questions, but you haven’t done anything that I know of, so you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“But…”

“Joey, you were answering that harridan’s questions at the other place. These are much tamer, much more private and a hell of a lot more professional. Fill out the form.”

She sighed and turned away from him, shielding her answers as she completed the form. When she was finished, she stalked up to the desk and handed it to the receptionist. “Here.”

Pacey came up behind her and laid his on top of hers. He smiled at the woman. “Thanks.” He took Joey’s hand and pulled her back toward the seats. “Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“I hate you.”

“They need your medical history to decide the best way to treat you, should you decide to use the clinic. I’m told everything is pretty confidential. It’s almost like a doctor.”

Joey ignored him, folding her arms over her chest. “Joey? Pacey?” A woman was standing at a door right behind them. When they stood up, she smiled and gestured for them to follow her. “I’m Bethany. I’m one of the counselors here. We’re going to go into my office.”

“Great.” Pacey followed her, giving Joey a look to make sure she was still behind him. He waited until she sat down before sitting himself, trying not to smile.

“According to your information, you want to know more about birth control?”

“Yes.” Pacey answered, not looking at Joey.

“All right,” Bethany smiled at both of them. “There are a lot of methods of birth control, all with varying degrees of success. Which form do you feel most comfortable with?”

“Well…” Joey bit her lower lip and gave Pacey a glance out of the corner of her eyes. “I know that condoms are usually the safest…”

“Condoms are very good for preventing sexually transmitted diseases and they have a 98% success level for pregnancy prevention. However, as with any method, they’re not infallible. Pretty much the only surefire prevention for pregnancy is abstinence.”

“I've been practicing that one for a while,” Joey admitted with a smile. “It’s the others I’m not sure of.”

“Well, birth control pills are the most commonly used form, next to condoms. They’re the most convenient and they don’t require any advanced warning of sexual activity. They also have some nice side effects. Your periods will be more regulated and most women find they have fewer skin problems and cramps. There are some negative side effects as well, the most common of which is weight gain.”

“So the pill is really the best method?”

Bethany shook her head. “There is no best method. There’s only the best method for you. The pill is simply the most common.”

“What else is there?”

“There are diaphragms, Depo-Provera, sponges, Norplant, dental dams, spermicidal suppositories, condoms, spermicides, the morning-after pill and RU-486. Most of them are preventative measures, however 'the morning after pill' and RU-486 are both for the situations where someone has had unprotected sex."

"I thought they were the same thing," Joey began.

"Not exactly, although many people get them confused. 'The morning after' pill is basically a high concentration of birth control taken within 72 hours of the unprotected sex to prevent pregnancy. RU-486 is used during the first few weeks after conception to actually terminate the pregnancy." Bethany went on to describe all of them in detail, outlining the pros and cons of each. When she finished, she smiled at Joey. “Any questions so far? I’ll give you pamphlets on each of these methods, so don’t be afraid if there’s something you think of later.”

“I understand that there has been a rise in sexually transmitted diseases?”

“There has been,” Bethany nodded. “But as long as you’re careful, you shouldn’t have a problem. Condoms are the safest way to protect against STDs, but if you’re in a monogamous relationship and you’ve both been tested, you aren’t at as big a risk.”

Joey bit her lip and looked over at Pacey, obviously upset. “I’m not actually in a relationship right now.”

“That’s fine,” Bethany smiled. “Actually, it’s always best to be prepared beforehand. To me, that’s a sign that you’re being responsible to yourself. Sex and birth control should be about you, Joey, not your partner. Although don’t let anyone, especially a partner, make you think you’re solely responsible for this type of thing. It should be just as important to him or her.”

Joey blushed. “Oh. Him. I mean, it’d be a him.”

“It doesn’t matter either way. Be responsible to yourself. He should do the same.” Finally looking over at Pacey, Bethany smiled. “Did you have any questions, Pacey?”

“The…the first time a woman has sex…is there anything the guy can do…to make it…better? Not hurt?” His voice was soft, and he refused to look at Joey.

“Well, if both partners are ready and willing, it shouldn’t be a painful experience. There might be some discomfort at first, depending on the thickness of the woman’s hymen. And there can be some bleeding. But with time and care taken to make sure that she’s fully aroused, there shouldn’t be any problem. I would suggest though, finding out what she likes, take the time to figure out what turns her on, what relaxes her. If she feels comfortable with every step that leads up to sex, she’ll feel far more ready to actually have sex.”

“Thanks.” Pacey barely managed the whispered word. Clearing his throat, he shook his head. “No more questions.”

“Joey?”

She shook her head, her eyes trained on Pacey. “No. No questions.”

Bethany handed her a plain brown bag filled with pamphlets. “I hope that you’ll read through everything and feel free to call or come in with any questions that might arise.” She stood up and shook Joey’s hand. “Good luck.”

“Thanks.” Joey bit her lower lip and glanced at Pacey who was shaking Bethany’s hand. As he turned toward the door, she looked away, not willing to be caught looking at him. His question and the fact that Bethany had seemed impressed with it unnerved her a little.

Pacey paused at the door. “You want me to wait outside for you, Joey?”

She shook her head and hurried to catch up with him, walking out to the car in a contemplative silence.

~**~  
I can’t help looking at him with new eyes. First of all, he let me talk and ask questions, never trying to guide the conversation into territory that was more comfortable for him. He let it be about me, because that was why he took me there.

But the real reason I can’t stop looking at him is because of his question. It must have taken guts to ask that of a complete stranger in front of someone you used to love. And I don’t believe that Pacey didn’t know that answer. He’s been with someone before who was a virgin. He knows what to do.

So he asked it for me. Not so he could be with me, although that’s what I want to believe. But because he knew that it was something that I wanted to know and was too scared to ask.

If I didn’t know better, I could almost let myself believe that he was falling in love with me again. That’s what I want to think, more than anything else in the world. But I know if I let myself go down that path, I’m going to end up getting hurt, wanting more from him than he’s willing to give me.

Wanting him.

Not that I don’t want him. I want him more every day. I know what Jack meant today at lunch. He meant that Pacey and I are in a holding pattern, both of us pretending to be what we were before we started dating, but you can’t go back.

I was right about that at least. But maybe standing still isn’t so great either.

~**~  
“Can I ask you a question?”

Pacey turned down the radio so that he could hear Joey. “What?”

“A question. Can I ask you one?”

“Sure.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Difference?” He glanced over at her before turning his eyes back to the road. “What difference? You’re going to have to give me a topic, Potter.”

“You’ve had sex with someone who had a lot of experience and sex with someone who didn’t have any. What’s the difference?”

Heaving a sigh, Pacey pulled off into a parking lot and turned off the car. He shifted in his seat so that he was looking at her. “It’s…I was completely different in both of those relationships, Jo. I was a virgin when I slept with Miss Jacobs and I wasn’t when I was with Andie.”

“You slept with Miss Jacobs more than once, Pacey. And you were only a virgin the first time.” She refused to look away from him. “Please?”

“I was scared with Andie. With Tamara, I was cocky and nervous and probably the worst sex she ever had. At least the first time.” He grinned. “After that, she taught me a lot of things…what she liked, what she wanted, the best ways to do things. And she did things to me that she probably took a long time to learn.”

“So did Andie pale by comparison?”

“No.” He shook his head, smiling at the memory. “Andie was like…it was romantic and tender. I wanted it to be perfect for her, so I went all out. I took her out to dinner, surprised her with a room at a Bed and Breakfast, and we…” He looked at Joey’s face and without thinking, he reached out and brushed her cheek with his thumb. “It was different than Tamara. Not better, not worse. Tamara, I wanted, so sex was important. So damn important. It was like a validation. Andie, I loved. And sex was something I wanted, but I wanted a lot more from her too.”

“What about me?”

“I’m in love with you, Joey. And that’s why I walked away.”

“You can’t really believe that I’m in love with Dawson, Pacey.”

“No,” he admitted. “I don’t. But that doesn’t mean I believe that you’re in love with me either.”

~**~  
I drove the entire way to her house in silence. I didn’t know what to say after that and I guess she didn’t either. My hands are shaking on the wheel though. There’s so much emotion in this car right now that it’s taking all my strength not to reach out and grab her, hold her, kiss her.

She’s holding onto the handle of the door and any second she’s going to be gone and we’ll both go back to pretending that today never happened, that we never happened.

I want her to release me from this damn hold she’s got on me. I want her to let me go so that I can move on with my life. I want…God, I want her. I hear the door open and she’s leaving me, climbing out of the car. I reach over and the soft silk of her hair brushes my hand before she’s gone.

I pull it back and pound on my thigh, forcing myself to stay where I am, not letting myself follow her. I think about the things that the clinic worker said about making her first time special. I think about how much I want to be the one to do that. I think about how much it’s going to kill me that it’s not going to be me.

I think that I haven’t managed to get over Joey Potter in the month I’ve been trying. And I’m beginning to doubt that I’m ever going to, even if I have all the time in the world.


End file.
